I want to begin this post by being transparent. Boundaries are hard for everyone, including counselors. In my experience, I believe a lack of boundaries comes from a place of insecurity and fear. Sometimes we worry that setting boundaries will ruin a relationship with someone, sometimes we feel that our boundaries won’t be respected, sometimes we just want to please others and we think boundaries will upset them. There are many reasons why we don’t set boundaries, but almost all of them can be traced back to insecurities. If we make things hard for people then they’ll leave us. If we are too complicated then they’ll reject us. I’m here to tell you that boundaries are HARD. But they’re necessary. When we fail to set boundaries we get taken advantage of, we get burned out, we get exhausted, we get bitter.
Another reason we fail to set boundaries is simply that we don‘t know how. So I want to give some quick tips on health boundary setting and some good rules to live by.
Three rules I encourage you all to remember:
1-You are valuable
2-You have a voice
3-You are irreplaceable
What do you take care of more? Fine china or plasticware? Hopefully you said fine China. We take care of the things that have value. And people are no different. Know that you are valuable and understand that those who are important in your life will take care of you as long as you recognize your value. Boundaries let others know you have value. You are saying that your time is valuable. You are saying your feelings are valuable. You are saying that your needs are valuable. If you are stuck in relationships or friendships where they don’t respect your time, your feelings or your needs, then the question is not whether YOU are valuable. The question is whether THEY value you. Setting boundaries means you give them the chance to show you that they do value you and your place in their life. If they continually disrespect your boundaries, then it’s time to start reevaluating their place in YOUR life.
We all have a voice and we all deserve to be heard. There isn’t one voice on this planet that’s more important than the other. Continually remind yourself that by voicing your needs and your boundaries is not a bad thing. Now, the kicker is in HOW you voice those needs, but that’s another blog for another day. (Just remember that it is in the HOW that determines whether or not you’re heard.) Whether you have been told all your life that your voice doesn’t matter or you’ve simply convinced yourself that your voice doesn’t matter, the truth remains: we all have a voice and we all should be using that voice to set our boundaries and express our needs.
Every single person is made uniquely. There is no one out there quite like you. The fear of setting boundaries and then that person finding someone else is a real one. We have come up with adjectives like “difficult” or “complicated“ when we decide to voice our needs and set boundaries. We have come to the conclusion that people won’t stick around if we are too difficult or too complicated. Here’s the issue I have with that way of thinking. When we believe that setting boundaries and expressing needs is equal to being difficult and complicated, we are basically saying that we are replaceable. That they can easily find someone else who won’t make their life hard. This simply isn’t true. You are not replaceable. It has nothing to do with that. If someone leaves because you set boundaries with them, the issue is with THEM. They are telling you without words that the thing they value most is themselves. They are telling you that they will treat people as they see fit, no matter the harm. That doesn’t sound like someone who would ever be able to meet your needs anyways. And I bet, if you look back on things, they never really have. It isn’t about you being replaceable, my friends, and I encourage you to not go through this life believing such a thing is possible. You cannot be matched by anyone.
Lastly, some quick tips for setting boundaries:
1-Write down what you need before you ever discuss it with that person. Do you need more alone time? Do you need less anger from them and more discussion? Do you need help around the house so that you can have time for self-care? Do you need notice before they show up at your house? Do you need them to consult you before making plans for both of you?
2-Bring your list to the discussion. This will keep you focused.
3-Never try to set boundaries during an emotional, heated moment. Emotions have their place in this world and a discussion about boundaries is not the place for them. It doesn’t mean there can’t be some emotion while the discussion happens, but don’t let the discussion COME FROM an emotional place. Be calm, be collected, be logical, be intentional.
4-Be willing to answer questions, be willing to give examples of times where boundaries were crossed or needs were not met, and be willing to give examples of how the other person could have met your needs better. No one is a mind-reader. Don’t expect them to know exactly what you need. Be willing to lay it out precisely and concisely. This will benefit all of you.
5-Understand that setting boundaries is hard, especially if they’ve been nonexistent. Also understand that the other person will succeed and fail. If their intentions are good and their hearts are kind, be prepared to offer forgiveness when they fail and patience while they try.
6- Remember that we all must live in a world of boundaries. If you are setting boundaries, be sure that you are also respecting boundaries. This is a “do as I say and do as I do” situation.
Always know I am available for help in this area and would love to chat. I hope this gives us all a good place to start!
Until next time!
Be happy! Be healthy!
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