Enabling is a tricky topic to talk on. I have found that most times when I bring this up with clients, it can cause a great deal of defensiveness. So I want to first begin with this: enabling almost always comes from a place of love. We want to make someone we love happy, we want to fulfill their needs. It's rarely done out of malice or harm. I think what is so difficult to hear when you're told that you're an enabler is that what you thought was your way of showing love is actually a secret way of harming the one you love.
When you look up the definition of enabling it says: providing the power, means, opportunity, or authority to allow someone to do something. So essentially, enabling can almost seem synonymous with empowering. Your intentions might be to help, but in the grand scheme of things, are they empowering or enabling?
I hope as you read this blog you will do some self-reflection in your own life and ask yourself some hard questions. If we are afraid to look in the mirror, that in itself is a red flag that something isn't right.
I want to lead with a few of thinking questions to keep in mind as you read.
1- Do I step in and rescue someone in my life when things get tough for them?
2- What is my goal in rescuing them?
3- What do I hope they will learn when I rescue them?
Lets dig in and see where we stand on these points.
Enabling so often is brought up when we talk about addiction and it tends to be pretty common in the addiction cycle/system. However, addiction isn't the only area in which we enable those we love. Many of you reading this may not have addiction in your family, so for me to focus only on addiction would make this blog less applicable to a great deal of my readers. Let me give you other scenarios in which we may enable those we love.
-Your child didn't do their homework last night and if they go to school without the assignments then they'll fail for the 6 weeks. So you let them stay home "sick" in order to do their homework.
-Making an excuse for your spouse to explain why a certain commitment wasn't met, when in reality you know your spouse is too busy drinking, or too busy playing video games, or too busy on social media.
-Loaning money to a friend who can't pay their bills while knowing that your friend has a shopping problem and tends to spend her money on clothes and shoes.
-Allowing your child to come home from school because they're having anxiety attacks on a regular basis, even though you know that they've been given the skills to cope with anxiety through therapy/treatment.
There are so many ways that we enable and we don't realize it. It's important to ask ourselves what the goal is in rescuing someone we love? Are we hoping to rescue them from consequences? Are we hoping to rescue them from pain? Are we hoping to rescue them from discomfort?
Whatever the reason, the most important thing to realize is that when we rescue someone from something, we stunt their ability to grow from that experience, we stunt their ability to learn from that experience. Most importantly, we eliminate the possibility for them to rescue themselves and in doing so, they learn helplessness and powerlessness.
It might feel good to be rescued in the moment, but the silent message it sends is that they're not able to do this on their own. They begin to believe that in order for them to survive, in order for them to thrive, they must have someone who is always there as a safety net. And without risk, there is no reward. If they're only willing to make decisions that are safe, they will never go further than arms reach from you (their rescuer).
Let's go back to the scenarios from above and label the silent message that being rescued from those situations sends to the one being enabled and rescued.
-Your child didn't do their homework last night and if they go to school without the assignments then they'll fail for the 6 weeks. So you let them stay home "sick" in order to do their homework. YOU ARE IRRESPONSIBLE
-Making an excuse for your spouse to explain why a certain commitment wasn't met, when in reality you know your spouse is too busy drinking, or too busy playing video games, or too busy on social media. YOU ARE LAZY
-Loaning money to a friend who can't pay their bills while knowing that your friend has a shopping problem and tends to spend her money on clothes and shoes. YOU ARE HELPLESS
-Allowing your child to come home from school because they're having anxiety attacks on a regular basis, even though you know that they've been given the skills to cope with anxiety through therapy/treatment. YOU ARE INCAPABLE
As you read these scenarios, you may come up with some messages you believe are being sent and that is great! These aren't the only messages sent. Often times, when someone must be rescued on a regular basis, they begin to believe that they will always be in need of saving. But worse than that, they begin to depend on it and expect it. And now a vicious cycle has begun and the relationship between you and the one you're enabling begins to spin out of control. You begin enabling even more in order to keep the peace, but inwardly you begin to resent the fact that you're having to make so many sacrifices for this person. And that, my friends, is how the relationship between the enabler and the one being enabled is silently murdered.
If you recognize some enabling patterns in your life, either that you're being enabled or that you're enabling someone, I encourage you to seek help. Stopping this cycle is an extremely difficult thing to do alone. More so, when we enable, it most likely means that there is something not quite right within us. Something that says we must always give and give and give in order to be loved and accepted fully. That is no way to live and ultimately, enabling will not gain you the love and acceptance you so desperately seek. For more information on this topic, please feel free to reach out to me.
I wish you well! Be Happy! Be Healthy!
Until next time!
Comments