Conflict tends to be a topic we avoid like the plague. No one likes how conflict makes us feel, no one likes to be in the middle of conflict with someone we care about. We especially don't like being in the middle of a conflict that we know we had a part in. However, I'm here to say that it is more likely that we have a part in conflict than not. Even if our part was avoidance. Even if our part was the silent treatment. This, my friends, is where the reality check comes into play. Conflict isn't just a disagreement of words or opinions. Oftentimes, conflict arises through non-verbal actions. So how about we dive into this commonly avoided topic?
You see, we are usually never blameless in a conflictual situation. Of course there are exceptions, but normally, we played a part in the conflict, either unknowingly or knowingly. When we are in the midst of a conflict, it's easy to want to play victim. We convince ourselves that we are justified in feeling hurt and angry and unforgiving. And maybe you are justified in those feelings, but I'm going to tell you up front my sweet friends that this type of thinking pattern isn't going to serve you in your relationships. When we hold onto our hurt, our anger, our unforgiveness, our bitterness, our resentment (the list goes on), we only cut off our own nose to spite our faces. At the end of the day, no one wants a friend who can't forgive. At the end of the day, no one wants a spouse, a partner that can't forgive. So whether we are justified in our feelings or not, it all boils down to the fact that it is OUR responsibility to move past the conflict and into forgiveness. Honestly, it is in our best interest to move past conflict. Holding on to such heavy emotions can cause a great deal of stress, feelings of overwhelm, emotional exhaustion and irritability. Why do we do this to ourselves? (See blog post on PRIDE) I think all too often our ability to forgive is dependent on the other person's ability to grovel. If the other person doesn't make us believe they're sorry, then we withhold our forgiveness until we are convinved they are sorry. Yikes! News flash guys. THIS IS TOXIC BEHAVIOR! If this is you, don't get too down on yourself yet! There is always hope that we can change our negative, toxic behaviors! It just takes some awareness and accountability. Recognizing that we have areas in which we need to grow is a sign of maturity, not a sign of weakness!
*side note* I am only addressing friendships and relationships that are valuable to us and worth the work. The relationships that you don't really want to lose. I am not talking about abusive, hurtful, controlling relationships. That is another post for another day and time.
Do you know that you can actually make a situation worse by avoiding it? I'll use myself as an example. You all know by now that I am a counselor, so I'm sure it will come as no surprise that I prefer to communicate and discuss issues when they arise. I'm not a fan of sweeping things under the rug and then acting like everything is fine. So when this is done to me, I'll give you some insight on what goes on inside of me. I begin to feel bitter and resentful. "Does my friendship not matter enough to them?", "Are they really so immature that they can't have a simple conversation with me?", "Why do I care about someone who so 'obviously' doesn't care about me?" (Just a heads up- us counselors also have petty thoughts sometimes. And if us counselors have these thoughts, then I know other people do too) You can almost hear my bitterness in those thoughts that I just typed, right? Imagine how those thoughts can poison a friendship or relationship. While you may be off licking your wounds and figuring out how to move on WITHOUT having to communicate, all you're doing is avoiding conflict while also creating conflict! Seems counterproductive, yes? The problem with the way I handle conflict is that sometimes I don't give people enough time to get their thoughts together before I'm ready to talk! (I'll talk about this in the next couple of paragraphs)
I think we often don't realize how damaging avoidance is. We avoid the discomfort in the present, only to create pain and heartache in the future. Your relationships and friendships should be worth more than your current discomfort. If you are unable to find it in yourself to confront conflict head on, in a healthy way, then it's time to do some serious work on yourself. We avoid conflict for a multitude of reasons and sometimes those reasons are so deeply ingrained in us that we don't even realize what the issue is with us.
Now, the next point I need to make is in regards to the different ways in which people approach conflict. Some people, like me, want to talk about it immediately and get through it. Other people need time to collect their thoughts and process what they want to say and how they're feeling. So it's important to know how your friend, your family member, your partner responds to conflict. If they need time to process, give them time. If they're the type to need to talk it out and you're the type to process, be sure to reassure them that you will come back to talk about the issue in 30 minutes to an hour. This will let them know that their needs are going to be met, just like your needs are being met by having time to think and process. It's unfair of us to take time to process and then feel good without needing a conversation, while the other person is left feeling rejected, or worried about the outcome.
At the end of the day, it's so important to recognize that no one else is responsible for our emotions or how we handle conflicts. We are responsible for ourselves and in order to be healthy, we have to be aware of where we struggle, where we are dysfunctional and where we avoid.
My friends, conflict is inevitable. It will show its ugly head in ALL of our relationships at some point or another. If we can't figure out how to address and resolve conflict in healthy ways, then our relationships will be fraught with turmoil. The bad news about this is that it's not the other person who is the common denominator in the turmoil when it's US that can't deal with conflict, right? WE are the ones who are often responsible for the conflict in our lives, simply because we think avoiding is the answer and we think avoiding is the safer route. It's time to start being healthier and it's time to see that communication doesn't have to be a scary thing, especially if we are kind, respectful and honest.
Until Next Time!
Be Happy! Be Healthy!
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