I've been running a poll on Facebook and Instagram and so far, coping skills is winning the race. So I want to take some time to really delve into this topic. I've written blogs on this topic before and I'm sure it will sound redundant to some because I tend to have the same spiel about it. Lets talk about what coping really is.
Coping doesn't mean that your pain will stop. Coping isn't the eraser of pain. It is the manager of pain. Coping is meant to help us THROUGH the pain. When people say they use marijuana, alcohol, pills, sex, and other drugs as a coping skill, I struggle not to shake my head in frustration at them. These things are not forms of coping, they are forms of escape. Escaping is not coping. Escaping momentarily is prolonging how long it will take you to eventually feel better. If you temporarily escape the pain, what happens when the high wears off? The pain is still there. So you either find your next high or you figure out how to actually cope with emotional pain and discomfort. Simple as that. To erase our emotions is to erase the very thing that makes us human. A common statement I make in counseling is this: to cope means you will struggle, but struggling doesn't mean you aren't coping.
We were created to feel an extensive range of emotions, which is such an amazing gift we have been given. We are able to feel the highest form of happiness and the lowest form of sadness. Without the sadness, we can't fully appreciate the happiness. Without the happiness, we don't know what to strive for when we are sad. There was a divine design in our ability to feel ALL the emotions. We have to learn how to respect and honor our emotions. We have to be willing to acknowledge our emotions and learn healthy ways to express them.
In a world where instant gratification is everywhere, we must recognize that there is no fast lane to healing. We are so used to having everything we need and want at the ends of our fingertips. We can order food and have it ready at a certain time or delivered. We can order items online and have them delivered to us within no time. If we need to talk to someone quickly, all we have to do is shoot a text. There's so much about this world that is in the fast lane that we think everything should be that way. Healing from emotional pain, trauma or other experiences is not fast. It can be time consuming, exhausting and tedious. Coping skills are not tricks for putting you in the fast lane. Coping skills are the things that will keep your car running while it's in the slow lane towards healing.
Coping looks different in every person. Maybe you are the type that needs social interaction when you're hurting. Maybe you need to vent it out several times in order to feel some relief. Maybe you're the type that needs alone time, where you journal or spend time in prayer/meditation. Maybe you use music as a means of coping, writing songs, playing songs, singing songs. Children use play as a means of coping. Oftentimes when they're hurting, they will reenact the thing that happened that hurt them, or they'll draw it. Coping is a journey of processing our pain, and sometimes that process takes a while.
I see quite a few teenagers in my practice and many of them are so creative and artistic. I've had some teens draw some amazing pictures, but oftentimes the pictures are disturbing to the parents. An example I can think of off the top of my head would be a picture of a girl crying razor blades. If a parent sees this picture, they will most likely be disturbed right? Instead of immediately yelling or speaking out in fear, ask the teenager what it means? Maybe the girl is struggling with the desire to self-harm? Maybe she feels ripped apart inside? Is it disturbing? Absolutely. But listen to the pain that teenager is sharing. What a creative way to express how she feels on the inside! Haven't we all felt ripped apart on the inside at one time or another? Maybe you have struggled with self-harm even. Teenagers cope in such significant and expressive ways. We just have to be willing to "hear" them when they're speaking. (Also, counseling is probably a good idea in order to monitor them and make sure they have a safe place to talk without fear of discipline.)
While we are attempting to move past painful emotions, we will struggle. A part of coping is acceptance that the struggle must happen. We must feel pain in order to grow. We must hurt in order to heal. The very emotions we wish to numb are the emotions that will propel us toward feeling better. I know it's hard to accept. I know we want to quickly move through our pain and get back to regular life, feeling normal and happy. Unfortunately, the process must happen.
I write this blog, not to give you a list of coping skills, but to help you understand what coping really is. There are a thousand things any of us can do to cope. Anything that helps you through the day (all substances, food, sex and self-harm are excluded), anything that helps you feel through the moment, anything that helps you process the feelings is considered a coping skill. Journaling, talking, music, painting, writing, dancing, counting, praying, resting (another blog entry will be on sleep and how to use it effectively and ineffectively), singing, social interaction, etc. There are so many things you can do to help you through your day while you're struggling. But, my friends, there is one common denominator while you're coping and it is the fact that you must struggle, you must hurt. Erasing your emotions, drowning your mind and feelings is not coping and it will not serve you in your life. We must learn to love the parts of us that feel. We must learn to accept that emotional pain is inevitable, but not permanent. It's easy to believe the lie that we will never be happy again when we are in the midst of a great struggle, but that just isn't true. Our brains can't sustain one emotion for all of our lives. We will have ups and we will have downs. Life is about learning to cope with the downs and appreciate the ups.
My favorite Viktor Frankl quote is this: " What is to give light must endure burning."
There is purpose in the pain we go through and we must learn to find that purpose and give meaning to it so that we can spread the knowledge we've gained through the suffering. To give light, we must burn first. What an amazing story we ALL have. We just have to change our perspective in order to see that our stories are wonderful, amazing things that are meant to be shared. You never know who needs to hear your story of survival, your story of grace, your story of forgiveness, your story of grief and acceptance, YOUR STORY.
Be happy. Be healthy!
Until next time!
Opmerkingen